you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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