dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
