birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
