I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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