I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
