Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
