don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
