I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
