Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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