I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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