i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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