peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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