some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
