i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
