I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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