all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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