We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
