so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
