I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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