my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
