I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
