dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
