i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
