I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
