you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
