I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
