If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
