I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
