She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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