I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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