don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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