You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
