I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize