he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
