Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
