i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
