then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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