I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
