I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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