I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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