This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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