I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
