Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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