Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
