Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
