I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
