i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
