Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
