sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
