I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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