Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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