I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
