Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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