Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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