so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
