Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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