I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
