My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
