Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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