I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
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He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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