I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sext me about skeletons
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
