I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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