i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
