Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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