She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's like iHOP with fire
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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