I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
